4th Quarter Relationship “Check-In”
Let’s take a quick audit of your recent dating experiences.
Do you find yourself fighting carpal tunnel syndrome due to excessive “swiping?”
Have you experienced multiple “app-induced hook-up sessions” followed by the predictable ghosting from your sheet-mates?
Do any of your swipe-sessions convert into a relationship lasting more than a month?
How many of your dates in the last six months were with someone who even had a remote chance of being “the one?”
Home for the Holidays
As we round the final corner of 2021, are you prepared to face the inevitable onslaught of inquiries from family about “who you are seeing” this holiday season?
Here’s the question of the day. If you are interested and open to being in a long-term serious relationship…why aren’t you?
Sure, you can parrot the standard 21st-century date-speak “I’m too busy with work” shtick. You could also choose the ever-popular “I’m taking my time” option. (The ticking you hear in the background is your biological clock counting down)
Some prefer, the self-actualized choice of “I’m taking this time to focus on me.”
Thank you for your honesty, it’s such an underappreciated virtue these days. It does beg the question, how can we live in a society where people have more time, technology, and spendable cash per capita than at any time in recent history-and still have a decreasing rate of marriage or long-term connection?
Lessons From a Fairytale
Remember the fairytale story of Snow White? The scene where the wicked queen asks the mirror on the wall “who’s the fairest of them all?” In the fairytale, just like in real life, the mirror always tells the truth.
As you know, there are many moving parts to this complex machine of relationships, but we’re pretty confident here at DateU that we can pinpoint three of the biggest issues standing between you and the connection you dream of; me, myself, and I.
Surprised? Angry? Ready to quit reading? We invite you to hang on for a little longer. It will get better.
We acknowledge just how brutal it can be to stare at the mirror each morning and realize the figure staring back is the author of much of your relational pain. It’s like being slapped in the face with an ice-cold dirty washcloth.
The old saying, “the truth hurts” isn’t always true. But in this case, we think it might sting a little bit. But there is good news on the other side of this story.
How Did We Get Here?
It’s no surprise that our culture has raised you to live a full-on “me, myself and I” lifestyle. In addition, social media has unnaturally elevated the status of people who receive the most “likes” on their posts. Sadly, this digital schoolyard taught you to orient your entire life with the hope of getting noticed, and ultimately “swiped.”
At a certain point, it begins to feel like you are more of a “product” who is being selected from a web shopping cart than a person doesn’t it? And that my friends, is NOT how it’s supposed to be.
Over time however, as the focus of your world moved to relationships, the “me” that got you noticed, liked, and swiped may be the exact characteristic that keeps you from long-term satisfaction.
The Mysterious Quality
Consider this, if both parties have a “me, myself and I” mentality…a fierce loyalty to their personal “brand” as a human, how can a duo possibly survive? Couples, teams, partners all require something. This mystical element is called cooperation; give and take, back and forth, all layered with a heavy topping of compromise. 21st-century dating dictates that you make your list of attributes “the one” must possess. All too often, we find that many of these lists contain more lines that start with “I want,” “I will,” and “I will never.”
Of course, at a basic level, these lists can be good and helpful. We all need a general idea of the type of person we are looking for in a date or a mate. And certainly, there are negative behaviors and habits that you should never put up with. But in many instances, we see singles with long spreadsheets filled with “must-have” columns and one or two lines in the “could accept” category.
Pronoun Dominance
So, what happens when Mr. and Mrs. Spreadsheet meet or begin a relationship? Typically, our preferred pronouns of “me, myself, and I” return to center stage and begin calling the shots. “me" is very clear about its preferences in all aspects of life such as food, events, music/movies, and free time.
“Myself” loves to ensure conversations and activities have a singular focus. Oh sure, “myself” can be polite for short periods and even feign interest in the conversation or activities chosen by their partner. Ultimately though, “myself” is adept at redirecting all action and energy in its direction.
Finally, we turn our attention to “I” which is his/her preference. While “me” and “myself” align their efforts and attention on material goodies and circumstances, “I” operates in the realm of feelings. “I” demands an individual feels a certain way…about the other person and about how that person thinks, speaks, and acts toward them. “I” loves to start sentences with “I feel that…” “I” lives by the credo “if I feel something, it must be true and therefore I will act as if it is true.”
Living exclusively by your feelings is convenient and familiar, but it exacts a hefty toll on the other person in the relationship. There will always come a day when your partner shows their humanity, and does or says something to hurt you. “I” will likely be offended and decide it no longer “feels” the same way about that person. The predictable breakup is just around the corner.
What Is The Solution?
Let’s turn our attention back to our old friend, the mirror from the fairytale. Typically, the unholy trinity of me, myself, and I don’t care for the unflattering image it portrays. As a result, this trio spends precious little time in its penetrating gaze.
But there is another side to the mirror’s presentation that extends an invitation to you. An opportunity, not simply to view a reflected image, but an ability to truly see yourself with understanding. A chance at self-awareness so unusual in our me-oriented culture, that most would not recognize it if it were presented on a breakfast plate alongside avocado toast and an Acai bowl.
Seeing yourself for who you truly are, both strengths and weaknesses, beauty marks and warts is in fact, a gift. For discerning hearts with the courage and drive to open it, this present delivers an invaluable reward that can pay off for a lifetime.
An Alternative View
In contrast to the self-absorbing vacuum occupied by “me, “myself, and I,” the gift of truly “seeing yourself” creates space and grace for others. This is the wonderful position where we acknowledge the faults, deficits, and failures in our own life. This acuity grants us the capability to view another human being through a lens of humility.
In order for a man and woman to form a relationship that goes the distance, both partners must see themselves and the other accurately. As we noted, the prototypical me, myself, and I-oriented folks try to direct and manipulate the relationship itself in their direction. In contrast, our humble counterparts fresh from a session of reflection with the mirror, change their preferred pronouns to “we,” “us,” and “our.” It’s a magical metamorphosis from selfish to self-less.
This is the reason me, myself, and I oriented people often end up alone. Their view of life in the mirror only has room for one.
What is your ultimate relationship goal?
Few of us set a goal for our future to always be single and alone. Most of us, at some point, desire to be a married couple. A heavenly mixture of two sets of skills, personalities, and dreams molded into what the Bible calls “one flesh.”
Millions around the world have undertaken this journey with success. But to arrive at this destination, both partners must adopt a fresh perspective when looking into the mirror of their life. “Me, myself, and I”, work great when you’re swinging free at the club and just looking for a good time. But if you want a connection, a partner to do life with, then you will need to follow a different approach.
If you long for the kind of relationship that both nourishes you and makes your friends jealous, you’ll need to learn the art of compromise and selflessness. Although challenging, trading me, myself, and I for we, us and ours, can pay off for as long as you both shall live.
Do you have the courage to take a fresh look in the mirror?
Depending on what you see, it just might be time to change your pronouns.
