“It’s just so complicated”
A phrase uttered thousands of times by singles nationwide when a parent or relative asks them if they are “seeing someone.”
We agree.
In its current form, dating and relationships are…confusing at best.
Why is that?
Some would argue it’s because there are too many mixed messages and unclear motives between the he’s and she’s to simply check the “I’m in a relationship” box.
100%. But why is that?
We believe part of the trouble is classification. What most people are doing these days and calling it “dating” isn’t. Consider the most common scenarios of “swipe, text/sext, hookup, ghost and maybe submarine.
This category of interaction would better be named “sexreation” or more accurately “copulation with consequences.” (There is no such thing as free sex, someone always pays) This is a topic we’ll explore more in another post.
Dating is different
On the other hand, authentic dating is a more intricate and transformative experience.
Dating involves a volley of direct communication and response. A traditional event would include lots of conversation and an activity or food outside of the bedroom. Old-school dating creates a wonderful, challenging, and sometimes awkward atmosphere for a couple to begin a journey of discovery and revelation.
The fledgling relationship may be a simple “one and done” or it may toddle on for weeks or months. Regardless, authentic dating is transformative. You learn about your consort and even more about yourself.
And this is the place where we want to dig a little deeper.
Skimming across the media landscape of dating recommendations you’ll find a heavy emphasis on measurement and evaluation. In other words, most believe the main purpose of dating is like rummaging through your sock drawer in a dimly lit room. You grab something that looks like a match, hold it up to the light and decide if “it’s the one” and if not, toss it aside.
Another approach
Although the “toss the sock” method of dating is in vogue, it may not be the best strategy when it comes to getting serious about finding a mate. Of course we all want to meet someone who lines up perfectly with our wants and desires in a spouse. And a bit of “sock tossing” may very well be part of the journey. However, we believe this is only half of what you could be gleaning from the dating experience.
As we have stated previously at DateU, “becoming the one” is the golden ticket to long-term relational success. In true counter-cultural fashion, a wise person will look in the mirror and reflect on whether or not they have or are developing the attitudes and habits/behaviors of an excellent mate. The truly courageous will, in the midst of their dating journey, consider what they could do differently to improve upon to make a relationship the best it could possibly be. Isn’t this everyone’s ultimate goal relationally… to make it the best it can be?
More than what we have in common
Too often in our Insta “it’s all about me” culture, we lose sight of the fact that compatibility only gets your foot in the door. The true test of success is determined by how much each person is willing to adopt a “you first” mentality for the good of the connection. A quick way to measure your progress/readiness for success might be to ask yourself the following:
Are you willing to compromise on key aspects of your relationship such as where to go or what to do on a date?
Have you developed the virtue of asking questions and listening intently to learn more about your date? Or are lulls in the conversation an opportunity for you to talk more about yourself?
Are you willing and able to overlook minor flaws in your date’s personality or image in order to appreciate the entire “package” of what they have to offer someone? Or is your standard “perfection or nothing?”
In times of disagreement or conflict, do you have the maturity and grace to apologize when you are wrong? Or are you wrong so rarely that apologies should just be “assumed?”
Have you practiced and perfected the art of “friendly speech” when you are with your date? In other words, do you say things that encourage them and make them feel comfortable and respected? Or instead, do you use sarcasm, belittling and humor at their expense as methods of conversation?
Taking an honest look at your words and actions from your current or most recent relationship, how would you score? If we gave the test to your date and asked them to rate you, would the number be the same?
The hidden power
Dating is powerful because it reveals who we are and how we treat others. We can use the time to use others, or we can learn, adjust and grow as individuals and as partners. The best part of the story is that you get to decide what your journey looks like.
Until next time.
Photo by Chermiti Mohamed on Unsplash
