Well folks we are in our second post during the lock down and it appears every single cliche and play on the words “together, social distancing and “locked down but not out” has been used. The good news is it will force all of us to look for something new, fresh and inspirational as we collectively attempt to keep our corporate frustration levels in check. Good luck.
Since we all have some extra “alone” time on our hands, many of us focus on the status of our life, our job, our finances and our relationships. If you’re currently in the “single “ category, its pretty normal let your fingers meander through the various dating apps looking for “the perfect one” to contact once we are all released from the government’s quarantine grip.
So here’s a question to mull as you swipe your way to relational bliss. What are you looking for? Do you have a specific checklist of items or is it mostly “general stuff?”
Here’s why we ask. One of the things we find in working with troubled relationships is that often at a certain point, they hit a snag or a chasm of conflict. And in many situations, the issue has more to do with expectations of one partner or the other than the actual circumstance creating the divide.
Think about it, our friendships can work the same way. We make an acquaintance, spend some time around each other, become friendly and start to hang out on a more regular basis. As time goes by you may secretly start to regret the decision to advance the friendship for any of several reasons. So, when you hit the proverbial “bump in the road” relationally speaking, its more of an excuse than a cause, to part ways.
In a dating situation, we discover that oftentimes, these “concerns’ that start to build inside one partner or the other may not necessarily be based on actual character flaws or abusive tendencies, but rather they didn’t live up to “the picture we had in our mind.” The date may not be as tall or thin or pretty/handsome as you had envisioned in your dreams. Their personality may be opposite of what you thought you wanted. (I was hoping he would be the life of the party and make everyone laugh) while in reality, he’s a bit on the quiet side.
She may not qualify for a supermodel swimsuit photo shoot as you’d imagined, but maybe she’s just right for her height and lives a healthy lifestyle.
What if he has a job you don’t think has upward potential? What if she seems too flamboyant and gregarious and makes you a bit uncomfortable about what might come out of her mouth next?
Having a list of qualifications for your date and future mate is a good thing. If you’re read previous installments we adhere to the phrase “begin with the end in mind” meaning you should decide what you want before you launch into dating.
We encourage this idea and believe it’s healthy to work through the process of developing a picture of what we are looking for when it comes to matters of the heart.
But the problem many folks run into is that they focus too many of their “must have” elements on on superficial or external elements. Height, weight, eye/hair color, job, clothing styles, peer status, etc. None of these external items tell you what kind of person they are. In addition, most of these aspects are easily changed.
It doesn’t matter nearly as much if a woman looks like a supermodel, if she is not pleasant and fun to be around. It was our boy Solomon who compared a quarreling wife to the dripping of rainwater.
Conversely, the dude who just stepped off the cover of GQ magazine with a 6 pack, piles of money and fancy car will get ugly real quick if he’s a constant liar and doesn’t honor you in what he says and does.
We have an idea. What if you were willing to be surprised?
What if you met someone with the key internal qualities but not all the external ones? The checklist may say “no” but we say….”not so fast…”
If you collected a nickel for every woman who told you they were initially NOT attracted to the man they’re married to, but gradually came to know him and later fell in love, we both could retire tomorrow. It’s a common tale and it speaks volumes about how relationships can come together.
It’s amazing how the more you get to know someone who is internally irresistible, how attractive they become. Superficial qualities are shallow and won’t last the test of time, but virtue, character, and sincerity form the foundation that life long marriages are built.
Guys, before you lose your mind, no, you don’t have to sacrifice all your hopes for someone who is physically attractive to you. Physical attraction is important, we get it. But maybe, you could allow yourself to be “surprised” by someone who doesn’t completely fit your preconceived mold.
Ladies, don’t write off the good guy because he’s in a low paying job right now. If he has drive and ability he will likely rise and thrive in time. Be willing to be “surprised.”
When a couple connects and then commits, they can overcome any relational obstacle because their commitment pushes them to bend and find a solution. For those who’ve worshipped their “list of qualities I want in a guy/girl,” they’ve already got one foot out the door because few humans can meet everything on the mythical list.
Wouldn’t you rather be surprised…for a lifetime?
Until next time.
