Isn’t it funny that so many people can be so afraid of 3 little letters?
In every other aspect of life, you may exude confidence, decisiveness and style. But in the context of a relationship with a member of the opposite sex, these 3 tiny letters grow into a terrifying mountain of uncertainty!
Riding in your hip pocket on this emotional journey is a chunk of fear salted with an overwhelming desire to escape.
Why do you suppose that is?
Here are some possibilities:
“I’m not ready to jump into a serious relationship now.”
An obvious response might be “defining something simply describes what it is…the definition doesn’t magically transform it into something else.
“I don’t know if I want this relationship to move forward or not. I’m just not sure, but DTR’ing it will add pressure on me. And I don’t like pressure in a relationship.”
A point of clarification.
Honestly telling someone your feelings, reservations or reasons for being hesitant is a good thing. Every successful relationship (platonic or romantic) stands firmly on a foundation of truthfulness.
In the mystical universe of men and women, “knowing” beats “guessing” every time. Even if what you now know about the substance of the relationship, isn’t what you hoped it would be, at least you are fully aware.
Once all the cards have been played, both adults can decide if they want to stay in for another hand or fold, emotionally speaking.
“I’m afraid that if we have “the talk” then she/he will reject me, and I just don’t think I could take that right now.”
Two major players in the relational game are at work in this instance; fear and rejection. First of all, fear is the opposite of faith and just so happens to also be the source of every single thing bad and destructive in the world.
At DateU, we believe you should never speak or act out of fear. Period. It’s a liar and a thief and if you let it, will drain every drop of life from your soul.
Are you getting the sense we are passionate about this subject?
Rejection on the other hand, is more like abstract art. It is often interpreted differently by each viewer. Having someone you are attracted to tell you they don’t feel the same way, hurts and is the initial presentation.
How we interpret this information, or in other words, what we make it “mean,” is the key part of this transaction. This topic of what we make events “mean” in our life is so powerful it deserves its own special place on the wall of DateU relationship busters.
But for today, let’s just say that for all its heartache and shame, rejection is clarifying. It tells you absolutely who is not in your corner and who will not be a good relational fit. As a result, you don’t have to waste one more second of your life trying to persuade an individual who doesn’t see your amazing qualities and gifts.
This is true not only for romantic relationships, but friendships and even potential jobs/bosses. The pain of rejection is real, but for the good of your soul and your future, you have to surround the situation with truth and bathe it in its proper context.
For example, a rejection today has no voice over your tomorrow! Do not acquiesce to its sultry sounds and bend your ear in its direction. In addition, it does not have the authority to comment on you, your character, attractiveness, or value. Rejection is about the person doing the rejecting, not the recipient.
The best way to overcome rejection is to see it accurately and resist the temptation to give it sway in your thinking.
Back to our main subject at hand, the relational trinity D-T-R. A couple of thoughts;
1. Although important, there is no need to force this conversation unnaturally or in a predetermined number of dates/encounters. Like a beautiful flower, relationships require some time to grow before a bud emerges from the soil. Often the need to DTR occurs organically and at a certain point in the journey you will have that internal sense that “now is the time.”
2. Ladies don’t be surprised if you are the first to bring up the subject. Due to the neurological differences between men and women, females tend to pick up on the nuances and overall progress of the situation a little quicker than men. This is not the result of a lack of interest from the guy, rather many will keep acting/moving in a direction unless they sense a problem or aren’t getting clear feedback from you.
In contrast to women, men rarely scrutinize every conversation and circumstance within the relational road and are often content to “keep going like we are” unless there is a problem. The old adage is true ladies, guys really do “vote with their feet.” If they continue to cross paths with you, even without a lot of verbal communication, they are most likely interested.
One final note. The reason DTR is important is because we are all mortal. Every year you put off entering a serious relationship is a year you extend marriage and family. (assuming you are interested)
There is a biological clock ticking in all of us and you can ignore it at your own peril. One reason we see so many books, articles and stories these days from men and women in their 40’s and 50’s who’ve never married is that they have awakened from swinging singleness and are now forced to live on the mountain of regret.
Some people arrive at that place in life with kids and grandkids, memories and a legacy. Others have closets full of nice work clothes, shiny cars, empty homes and a cat named Reginald.
If you think of your life as one big cross-country trip, DTR can help you decide who’s in the car with you as well as how many of those miles you’ll have to drive alone.
What was once your greatest foe can become your greatest asset in the search to find a person you want to build a life with.
Here’s a sobering question for you.
Wouldn’t you want to know if the person you are seeing is just using you for fun/sex right now to pass the time, versus someone who is sincere in their quest to find love for a lifetime?
Maybe, if you saw DTR as a way of valuing your life and what you have to offer another person, it wouldn’t seem like such a burden. In this view it would be more like a mirror, whose reflection could help both of you find what you’re looking for.
Until next time, be strong and courageous.
Image credit: Edward Cisneros- Unsplash
