You can learn a lot by listening.
Think back to the last time you were just out of sight from your family, friends or coworkers. And suddenly the conversation in the group turned your direction.
You snap to attention, the hair on the back of your neck stands straight up and you find yourself leaning that direction so you can absorb every syllable emitted from the discussion.
Some things that are said made you feel pretty good, or at least ok, a few were “meh” …but then they brought up______ and the chain reaction begins. Blood rushes to your face and head, your jaw tightens, and your stomach starts to churn.
And the thoughts, oh the thoughts…” how could she say that” …what does he mean?” …they are full of #$!& and a few other choice niceties fly across your mind.
We’ve all been there. It can be hard to hear with your own ears what people really think of you, or about you. It’s a very educational experience and can be one of the tougher aspects of living around other humans.
Consider this application in dating and relationships. Think about when you meet someone for the first time, whether it’s the result of an app connection or something a little more “old school” like a chance meeting in a club or other social gathering.
Most of your impression beyond their app profile is how they look and how they carry themselves. If we like what we see, then we can often push other qualities or characteristics down in the priority list. Too often we make the mistake of judging someone’s potential for us by external qualities, only to learn the hard way over time that it truly is “what’s inside” that counts.
So how can we be a better judge of connection? How can we discern whether or not a person might be a good fit for us?
Listen.
The best way to find out what’s inside of another, their values, their character and personality is to let them speak. A former Israeli IRS agent once wrote “out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.”
People will tell you who they are, what they value and what they want. But we must be willing to ask a few questions and LISTEN.
Here are some things to pay attention to when you’re considering their words.
How often do they use the letter “I?” This is the first and best test to determine folks with narcissistic tendencies or at least are so full of themselves there’s not enough room in the relationship for another person.
“I need someone who makes me feel________”
“I need a person who will treat me___________”
“I can never be with someone who ____________or _____________or likes to ____________”
Selfishness is the biggest hurdle to long term relationships and compatibility. Period!
It’s a challenge for all of us to deal with for sure. But, be on the lookout for those who aren’t even trying to consider someone else above themselves.
One of the best pieces of relationship advice we can offer you is this: pay attention to how they treat their friends, family, and acquaintances. Because, this is exactly how they will treat you in the middle of your relationship.
Anyone can act for a season. But sooner or later their true character works its way out into the fresh air, and you may be shocked by what you encounter.
Unless you had been listening.
Of course, the usual caveats apply. No one is perfect. Everyone has bad days and makes mistakes. And we all need forgiveness.
But the best way to know the difference between someone waking up on the wrong side of the bed vs. expressing who they truly are on the inside is to listen.
Not only will improving your listening skills help you in relationships, but they will boost your stock on the job, in school and at family gatherings.
…” everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19)
Some good advice. Listen with your ears and your heart and you’ll be able to know if someone can be a good fit for you.
Until next time.
